Know Your Beautiful

I hope to reach many with this movement. If I can change just 1 woman's perception of herself, I've done my job. - LJK

Know Your Beautiful

Know Your Beautiful - LJK

We are all tested as women. Don't give up. Allow me to help you feel better and notice your greatness. Know Your Beautiful. - LJK

Just Love

This month was about love. That's all. I am now married, 6 years!

Hello Texas!!

Whew!!!

I almost let March go by without blogging. We're back in TEXAS!!!! As excited as I am to be home, I've done nothing on my personal list. We've only been home 2 weeks and NOW I understand why everything has happened in its order. God has his reasons. I will say that I love the simple things. Although I've removed Illinois weather from my phone, I still check in from time to time. They just had snow earlier this week. Can't. Deal. I can't stress how much I LOVE wearing my sandals before May.

The idea of running outside at my convenience is also a plus. It's going to be a busy couple of months ahead of us before we can get settled. Having my son around my family is one of the best observations yet. He went from having just his parents around to easy access to everyone. As much as he misses the snow, I guarantee he'd rather be right where we are today. Thank you Texas for the 80 degree weather. Thank you for allowing me to sit outside, on my dad's porch, and do ABSOLUTELY nothing. This is everything.

R. Kelly, You Can Keep Your Story. I'm Sticking with Texas!

The idea of never seeing snow again is like me winning $20 on a slot machine. I'd be overjoyed. Chicago has been quite the experience. Nothing what I expected. I really and truly thought I'd come to the Midwest, style the "right" client and my Personal Stylist career would take off. Ummm no. We're in the suburbs of Chicago. They don't dress up here. I asked a Limited store manager where I could find really cute boutiques with different things. She told me that they don't dress like that in the burbs. She said, "The suburbs are more laid back. Only in the city." I gave her the look down. She was right. She had no style.

I also had to drive to Chicago to find a decent hair stylist. Traffic. Traffic. Traffic. I took the traffic and the long waits but all thanks to her assistant, my coint no longer wanted to deal. Sorry not sorry.

I lost all motivation to shoot. Guess what, it's cold as hell here. Freezing. Honey, I couldn't do it. On occasion I'd shoot but I prefer sunny and clear skies without freezing wind chills. As we speak, it's freezing. Very sunny, but freezing. Snow literally sits on the ground for days. Why?? Because it's FREEZING!! Looking out the window will play tricks on your mind. The days don't let up either. 10 day forecast is all in the teens or single digit with a (-) in front.

Manners? Southern hospitality? What's that? Nobody says, "Yes Ma'am, No Ma'am, Excuse me, Thank you, You're Welcome, How are you, Can I, May I," nothing. Being polite goes out the door swiftly, here. Funky ole attitudes. I have to tell one of my son's teachers how to speak when teaching my son. He started coming home saying, "Give me" not asking.

I did push myself to do something different. People are usually drawn to me. Not the other way around. I'm friendly but I don't just walk up to people and make friendships. I started a group on Meetup.com just to find other moms with toddler sons. Drew and myself both got a lifetime friend out of that experience. *Pats self on the back*


Only a few weeks left in the Midwest and I have 1 last thing I'd like to do before heading back to The South. Try. Shake. Shack. If for some reason, God leads my family back to the Midwest, I will follow. *Cues Pimp C (Rip), "Big Pimpin'" verse* UNHH, now what yall know about them Texas girls!!

Until next month in Texas: Holla!!

LJK

January to me..

Well, as I sit here typing, I'd like to apologize for setting the wrong tone for my blog. Before I got married I blogged about pre-wedding jitters and irritations. Yes, those blogs have been deleted. LOL! My plan with blogging again was to either pick up with present day or start my photography blog. Yes, I shoot people. With a camera. It's my most loved hobby. I guess I did start with present day. My first blog back, is my life. December didn't end how I planned nor did January start out the way I planned.

My best thoughts occur on the toilet or on ambien. January is very cold. We're not in the south right now. Darkness hits at 4:30. Snow is so overrated. We were that family who at the first sight of snow, pulled our cellphones out to capture the moment. Our son was completely overdressed. Snowsuit, snow boots, gloves and fur hats all for 30 something degree weather. With it being negative something and negative double digit windchill, Texas sounds really great right about now.

My insomnia is back. My nights are long again. I guess the ambien has worn off. I can't wait to exercise again. Running outside, in Illinois, just doesn't sound appeasing to me right now. Middle school kids run in shorts this time of year. Ummm, no thanks!! Indoor exercise is so blah for me. I get bored. I need a change of scenery. January is great prep for our King Black History trip. January is going by extremely slow. I have a countdown that I've started. January thus far, has been a lot of PIZZA! With all of the complications I've had, pizza was just the easiest choice. January has been all about my 2 men. I'm a better woman, wife and mother because of them.

My future blogs will be light and fun again. The best part of blogging is writing what you want, when you want. It doesn't have to make sense. Until February... - LJK

Silent Miscarriage and Cytotec (Misoprostol)

I recently had the opportunity of celebrating a new pregnancy. My celebration ended shortly after my first OB visit. There was no activity with my baby. It weighed in at a week earlier than expected. The anticipation was real. I prayed, along with my son, every night for a healthy baby and pregnancy. I specifically prayed for no bleeding or cramping. I got just that. I had no knowledge of nor any experience with "silent miscarriages". I'd never heard of them. To spare you my emotions, my husband and I decided on the cytotec. This option was less invasive than opting for the D&C. I read blogs on what to expect. I cried because of anxiety. I read more. I'd like to share with you how I spent my Christmas and New Year. This experience is mine. The process is 24 hrs.

To prep, I purchased Gatorade, sturdy underwear, water, peanuts and thick Maxi pads. I had a big meal so I wasn't concerned with dehydration. Wednesday night at 9PM, I inserted the 4 cytotec pills vaginally. I laid down for 30 minutes to ensure they'd stay inside. At this time, I cheated by taking 2 ibuprofen to ease the pain that was coming. No one told me about needing heating pads, blankets, or hot water bottles (I'll explain later). The doctor says it would take 5-6hrs to start working.

Thursday, 2AM, I felt cramps that were mild - something like menstrual cramps. I'd taken 4 200mg by this time. I was bracing myself and praying for God to take it easy on me. At some point I'm about to experience natural birth, labor. 3am comes around. I get up and start walking around because my brain is saying become active to start the process. I'm back in bed by 4am. By this time, I feel a slight burn down under. Diarrhea hits me. I assumed it was because I drank the Gatorade. That's pretty typical for me. No nausea, still.

By 5AM, I am back in bed in fetal position. My legs are locked. The burning is probably at a 5. I describe it as burning because I literally felt like my vagina was going to fall out!! I squirmed from the pain for about 1.5 hours. I'm able to fall asleep all the while my body is contracting.

8AM, I wake up to taking 2 more 200mgs. I go to the bathroom and I had a light blood clot. I went more throughout the day and it was still light. Nothing to soak a pad over. By 4PM the pain had subsided. Per my doctor, the Dosage. Didn't. Work. Yes, I had to redo the 24 hour process the following night.

I've already lost my baby. Let me rephrase. My baby is in my belly and emotionally, I just don't want to go thru this again. I wish I could have passed the baby naturally but my OB informed us that it could happen weeks later, without warning. This entire process has been hard to deal with. I'm a planner and I did everything opposite of my 1st child to prep for this baby, health wise.



Friday morning, I called my family doctor and requested 800mg of Ibuprofen. YES! I purchased heating pads and more Gatorade. I managed to eat through the butterflies. 5PM, I inserted the 2nd dose of cytotec. I placed my heating pad on my back and stomach for the lighter cramps. There's no real change from Thursday's experience. The best part is I still had my appetite. No nausea, Thank Ya!! I'm walking around the house and watching television in every room. In my bathroom, I've set up 5 bottles of water and Gatorade, 2 pillows, and a fan that would be blown directly in my face.

By 12AM, the guys are asleep. I go into the guest room for privacy and to calm my anxiety. The cramps are starting to wake me. I take a pill to minimize the pain. Saturday at 2AM, I fall asleep.

Saturday at 5AM, the gas is unbearable. Cramps and gas are a horrible combination. 5:27AM, I JUMP out of bed and run to the bathroom. As soon as I sat down, my body released diarrhea. Shortly after, I started expelling LOTS of blood and tissue. It was just falling out. No force. No pushing needed. The best visual I can give you is emptying out a pot of loose gravy into the trash and a chunk of meat or 2 fall out. That part didn't hurt. It just felt extremely weird. I looked to see if I could identify what was falling out of me but the toilet was too bloody (watery). I had a hot flash come over me to where I poured water over my head and put the fan on high. My husband brought me cheerios to snack on and opened my Gatorade. At some point I became lightheaded and fainted. Luckily, I was still on the toilet releasing everything. Yes, both. The smell was like death. I awakened to my head resting on the shower door. I was only out for a minute or so. I did courtesy flushing throughout my sit, however, it did noting. As I flushed, it filled. I would say this burst lasted until 5:55AM. I felt a sudden heavy, burning feeling. I was convinced that my vagina was on 17 and had fallen out. I took another pill and waited for it to kick in. I just sat there. On the toilet. Sobbing.

10 minutes later, I cleaned myself up. I assumed the bursts were done. I got in bed and fell asleep.

At 7:18 and 8:20, I had 2 more bursts of bloody water and expelling of tissue. I made it to the bathroom. I'm so done looking by this point. I got back in bed. The contractions ARE ON 28. These pressures are the heaviest and painful for about 2 more hours. The pain was so bad that after praying, I fell asleep. I woke up at about noon to check my pad. I bled throughout the day but never filled a pad. Everything was mostly caught in the toilet. I'd just sit to prevent leakage.

2PM the heavy pain subsided. I've bled everyday, but not at every bathroom break. There is always something when I wipe but nothing hurts. Still passing small clots or pieces of tissue. No sac (that I've seen) has been passed. It's possible but I'm not sure. Minor sharp pains and gas for the next few days. Still bright red blood on my pads.

An entire week later, Friday at 5:40PM, I get another HEAVY, vagina fallout cramp. I pass a clot the side of a coke can top. WASN'T EXPECTING THAT. I thought I was done expelling big clots/pieces of tissue. It may have been the placenta. It just fell to the bottom of the toilet like a deflated balloon. Still, I'm looking thru watery blood.

Saturday, small clots and sharp pain in my side. Just sharp enough to stop and collect myself. Now I've been bracing myself as I pee.

Sunday and today, Monday, I have light blood coming out with no pain. Small tissue but no pain. The blood in color is darker, so I believe the end is near. I hope.

I will update this after the New Year once I've had my followup. Hopefully, I've expelled everything and my period will start again, shortly. I will be back on birth control. No woman should EVER have to go thru this, especially when she is ready to have children. I'm not going to question God's doing, but I will not revisit this again. I have my one blessing. He may be enough.

UPDATE: It's Monday after New Year's. Not everything passed like it should. My D&C is scheduled for this week. I hope whoever is reading this, finds either closure or ease into taking cytotec. It didn't work for me but I'm glad I attempted. Having surgery is the absolute last resort for me. Maybe I should have waited longer to conceive after getting off birth control. I just don't know.


Feel free and share your experiences below. I'm praying for you. I'm praying for your strength to get through this. It's an emotional roller coaster that I'm ready to move forward from. Thank you for your time. - LJK